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I Own You Like I Own the Caves
Not a chance. No comparison.
I Can't Sleep 
15th-May-2012 11:21 pm
Celebrity | Heath in Profile
So, I just moved back into my folks' house. Not really a huge surprise, because I was living in university housing, but the idea of having to be back for the summer (and potentially... indefinitely, since I'll only be taking my senior thesis in the fall) is not exactly appealing. I have been throwing myself my own drawn-out pity party for the last several weeks, with a very unhealthy dose of melancholy to top it off.

I have a friend that I met relatively recently (we've only really been friends for the last few months, but we've hit it off spectacularly and I'm integrating myself into his social circle - poets! - this semester, so we have a lot of mutual friends, now, too) that I have been talking to about getting an apartment together. My friend got kicked out of the place he was sub-letting back in April and he found out that I was less than thrilled at the prospect of being back home, so we started talking about it. He was really gung-ho about it, but I was much more hesitant, mainly because I'm only working part-time and with my current income, there's no way I could afford my share of the rent.

This is all back-story, by the way. But over this past weekend, officially being back home, I've been more seriously contemplating starting to look for a second part-time job or ugh, a full-time gig that will basically be just me starting my career, again, indefinitely (an equally scary idea). Basically so that I can move out of the house and into my own place again before midsummer.

My friend got fired today.

No joke.

On the first level, this means quite simply that he can no longer pay for rent and, since it took him four months to find the job he'd had, he's thinking of moving back in with his parents... in another state. AAAAARGGGH.

God, I'm so frustrated. Because on the second level, this also gets me to thinking even more seriously about my need to get another (really, a full-time) job. Get my act together. Even though a big part of me sees this as my last summer EVER and I would love nothing more than to put off having to start a career for as long as possible, ie. graduation in December. This doesn't seem so plausible anymore.

I really don't want my friend to move out of state, either, which has me worried if he's seriously thinking he might have to. He feels like he's out of options, which I totally get. But he's become a really good friend and I don't want to see him go. Even if we didn't move in together, we spend a decent amount of time together, and he's become an important person in my support system with all the shit that's gone down this semester. A failed relationship. The let-down of another potential (failed) relationship. Depression, drinking.

I got involved in the local poetry scene with my ex, who was very much involved. I had always thought I despised poetry, because whenever I hear that word, I think of a cramped, windowless high school classroom and lots of Wordsworth and William Carlos Williams and boring. ass. poetry.

The local scene is totally different. I go to open-mics religiously now and it's like going to poetry church. It's a place where I can go and see people who have become friends and, in a way, family. Poetry is a big part of my life now, and my friend is a big part of poetry. I can't imagine the scene without him.

I don't want him to go. I want him to work his ass off to find a job and stick around.

I want him to be able to afford rent so I can move out of my parents' house.

I can't tell if my disappointment and frustration and general feeling of WHATDOIDO is selfish or not.
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